Sitting down to write this I had a very different idea as to how this would go a couple of weeks ago. I would’ve mentioned how excited I am for a month of love filled with loving myself and giving love to the ones I love most.
Funny how the universe just slaps you right in the face.
“You might not have been my first love, but you were the love that made all the other loves irrelevant”- rupi kaur
Goodbye For Now…
I am hurting and healing at the same time. I’m really not okay, but I will be. Last Tuesday, Ryan broke up with me and by Friday, the whole internet knew. I never thought I’d publicly announce a breakup, but then again I didn’t think I was going to get broken up with.
It sucks to find your person, but then to realize they have their own issues that need to be dealt with alone, without you. Ryan was filling up everyone’s cup hoping it would simultaneously fill his up, but it wasn’t. There was nothing left for him at the end of the day. My heart hurts for him. It’s hurting because I know that feeling. I felt that way when I ended my relationship of five years back in 2014 and I wouldn’t want this person who I thought was my person to feel like that.
There’s a saying in the breakup self-help world that if they truly loved you they would’ve stayed. I don’t believe that’s true in our case. I think we both had to let the other go because we do love each other and we both need to go down our own paths for now. If I truly think he’s my person, he needs this for his own personal journey so that he can one day love someone fully without losing himself in the process. Whether that be me or someone else is not a worry for today.
The first weekend without him was rough, but here I am on this Monday knowing I made it through. Last night I saw a glimmer of hope that I will be okay and to be patient with the process. Everyone has been bombarding me with the same “you’ll be okay”, “it’ll just take time” and while I appreciate it, none of it makes sense until you believe it yourself.
“Do Bees Sleep?”
Last night, while enjoying watching two dogs meet for the first time as the sun was setting I felt present in enjoying the company of my friends and these two pups. As the sun was setting to a beautiful day in Austin, I just realized that I need to surrender and trust that it’s going to be okay and that I hope the universe gives me a sign that it’ll be okay.
I got up to pet one of the dogs and came back to the bench to a bee swirling around my bag and around me. Normally I’d freak out, but I felt calm. Ryan and I had an inside joke/memory about bees. He gave me a charm bracelet as a gift with one of the charms being a bee. There were no other bees in sight when we got to the park and even after I saw that bee, so I took that as my sign to keep moving forward and progressing. What’s meant to be will be.
“We must understand… how sadness is an ocean and sometimes we drown, while others days we’re forced to swim” – r.m. drake
Moving On…
I’m seeing a therapist for the first time in my life today. I’ve never really had issues with major anxiety just your typical social and situational anxiety from time to time. But with the car accident and breakup last month, I feel like I need to see someone to figure out how to move forward. It’s been hard to eat, but I’ve been forcing myself to by face timing my mom and eating with friends. My heart feels like it’s going through withdrawals like some kind of addict and I don’t know how to healthily cope with this.
Looking back on my first breakup I realize I am grateful for what I went through and I know if I made it through that one, that I can make it through this one. I know I’ll be able to look back at this just like I can with my first one and feel grateful one day. One day at a time I will get there.
I’m hoping to be more present and to start to trust the universe again so I can feel like all of this was for a good reason. Right now it’s hard to see through the hurt and my emotions fluctuating every hour. I want to stop thinking about him and having these scenarios playing in my head. I worried a lot while in the relationship and I think I proved to myself that all that worrying didn’t change a thing in the end. So I’m trying to tell the anxious voice in my head to calm down because it’s not going to change anything.
I just need to focus on the path ahead for ME. Time to go after what I really want and the vision I had for myself this year and just erase the place I held for him to be next to me in my successes. I know he’s still rooting for me behind the scenes as I am for him, but this isn’t our story anymore it’s back to my story and his story. We danced a beautiful dance and maybe one day we’ll dance again and maybe we won’t. It’s time for my solo performance.
I preach a lot on loving yourself and how to practice self-love to you all and now it’s time for a dose of my own medicine and to listen to my own advice.
Thank you for your support. I am getting back on the horse this month and this was therapeutic for me to write. I hope this helps someone out there that may be hurting just the same. I’ll be back to my content schedule next week. I can’t wait to just fully invest in myself this year.
“She remembered who she was and the game changed.”-Lalah Delia
Keep moving forward