It’s crazy sitting in my parents’ house writing this out. I truly didn’t know what this would look like or what to expect. I was curious how I’d be feeling and where I’d be at. Going home at the end of February felt like my light at the end of the tunnel. When I wrote the last letter of the editor, I really don’t know where I was headed and it was frightening. February was a tough storm to weather through learning how to love me again and to be comfortable in my own company.
How to Fix a Broken Heart
I still miss him. I don’t know if it’s the idea of him or the idea of us or if I really do miss him. My mind just feels like its scrambling to hold onto any memory and I’m trying to just let them pass through. We didn’t say goodbye forever, but this initial period of not having in my life has really been hard. I think I depended on him more emotionally for support and positivity than I realized and now I’m having to step up for myself. I find myself searching for what or who is next which I know is the last thing I should think about. Slowly figuring out how to turn that external crave and need inward and to just be patient through this process.
Owning My Mental Health
One thing I am proud of myself is that I took a big step and went to therapy all of February. I learned so much about myself and how my mind and body react to certain things. I felt like I was a detective in my own mind trying to get to the root of some unresolved issues. I highly recommend finding a therapist if you can afford it. She has helped me tremendously and it’s great to talk to someone that’s unbiased. She helped me feel validated and recommended new ideas and solutions to what is triggering for me.
Same Lesson, Different Day
I held it together, for the most part, this past month, but bringing alcohol back into my life shown me there’s still more to be done and that’s okay. Lessons I had learned once before resurfaced again mainly my issues of seeking validation and my issues with alcohol. Healing and learning aren’t linear. I spent the first day of March hungover, phone stolen, off my routine, sad, unproductive, and unmotivated. I hate feeling like that so as I’m typing this out I’m making a promise to myself to get this together. There’s so much work to be done this year for me I can’t let letting loose on a night deter me from that.
So March, what do you have in store for me?
This Month’s Theme is Savor
I don’t feel lost or broken, just kind of numb at this point. Having some major losses during the past two months have left me feeling drained, but hopeful. I get to enjoy time with family this week in Arizona then attend my first CRSSD this weekend. Then it’s SXSW time in Austin and I get to attend my first Buku and first time going to New Orleans the third weekend of March. I really don’t know what this month will hold for me, but I hope it’s nothing but good. And if not then there is more growth and lessons to be learned. I’m just going to savor this month and all the exciting things to happen while I can. With all the craziness I hope to be present and savor all my time with the people I surround myself with as well as use my alone time to enjoy my own company.
How can you show up for yourself this month?
Thank you for all the support! And if you’re going to be at CRSSD or Buku don’t be afraid to say hi 🙂
Leave a Reply