Raver Diaries: Being Plus-Size in the Rave Scene

By: Maria Alves (@chubbiwubbi on Instagram)

Trigger Warning: Mention of eating disorder, fatphobia, diet culture, and drug abuse.

There isn’t anything a thin woman can do that a plus size woman can’t do except be adequately represented in the media. Does that statement make you uncomfortable? Good. Growth and progress stem from being with discomfort and uncomfortable concepts. Move past your ego and assess your harmful behaviors and language. That’s where the magic happens. 

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I have always been a chubby girl.  I was a chunky monkey as a baby, a cute little pig as a toddler, and I really came into my body in my teens. I was 9 years old when diet culture stole my innocence. Some of you have never been told to omit carbs from your diet before you even reached puberty, and it shows. If I close my eyes, I can remember the exact expression on my face when my mom told me that the Special K cereal was made *just* for me. What did that mean? Why can’t I just eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch like a normal kid? I remember being offended, as if innately knowing that my body was being shamed before understanding what that truly meant. Now, I know I can’t blame her for not knowing. She does the work to unlearn problematic language and ideologies, and that’s all we can ask for from our peers and allies.

Fast forward through 10 long years of fat shaming, diet fads, and eating disorders, all while forming a personality, and you’ll find me going to my first ever EDM concert. The day was December 13, 2012 and Steve Aoki was performing at Club Cinema in Pompano Beach, Florida. I was 18, fat, cute as f*ck, and constantly torn between loving my plush body and wanting to sabotage it with fasting, calorie counting, and self-degradation. With only what I’d seen in pictures, I spent the week prior to the event planning my outfit. I put my 165 pound, 4’11” body (which is a whole 30 pounds less than I weigh now) in some fishnets, black booty shorts, and a WHOLE t-shirt. I can’t tell y’all enough how much time I spent questioning what I had chosen to wear. Twirling in front of a mirror, scanning my appearance with scrutiny, trying to identify every possible way I could be made fun of. I’d be revealing more if I were to go for a swim, yet I couldn’t wrap my mind around being in public in something so provocative. Reminiscing on this day, how I felt, and what I saw, makes me wish I could step into this memory and wrap my arms so softly around myself. It would have been enough to know then what I know now; that my body is made of magic and by simply existing, I dripped in beauty; but that’s not how life works. Life works by listening to our vibrations and putting us in situations that challenge us and potentially inspire us to shift into a healthier, more harmonious way of being.

Regardless of the category of fashion, I never saw myself being represented, and I ESPECIALLY didn’t see it in rave wear. I kept seeking inspiration from young women who looked nothing like me, and after so many years of not being able to see representation I could get behind, I felt defeated. I made friends with local go-go dancers who glorified cocaine abuse as a #1 weight loss method, and eventually I became involved in selling and consuming a lot of various substances. Having felt so bothered in the scene, and having everyone around me take on harmful habits just to keep themselves from looking like me, there was no room for loving how I looked. With the consumption of drugs, the weight dropped like crazy. People who hadn’t seen me in a month were in complete shock at how drastically I changed. I was abusing MDMA profusely, I would go days without eating or sleeping properly, and my body was probably screaming for sustenance. But you know what happened? People LOVED it. “Wow, you’ve lost so much weight, you look amazing!” they’d say, as if the only way I could look amazing was if I took up less space, and they were completely oblivious to the fact that I was rotting from the inside. But hey, at least I looked good, right? Wrong. Because even after losing 40 pounds, weighing in at 127 pounds at my LOWEST weight in my adult life, I still looked in the mirror and saw something I should be ashamed of. 

Something needed to change.

I needed to change.

And not physically, not in weight gain or weight loss; but in my heart and in my soul, I needed to change the way I saw my body. I needed to change the way I felt about the word fat, and having fat on my body. This invaluable lesson came mid-2013, after my destructive behavior led me to be homeless, addicted, and alone. My partner at the time (and current) came to me with an opportunity to start anew; to move vertically across the country to Chicago, Illinois, where he would have his first big boy job and I would have a chance at finding peace in my body. 

And we took the leap.

By late Summer of 2013, I had gone from abusing drugs every day, being a promoter for local EDM events hence partying every weekend, to being stagnant in a new apartment in a new city with no friends, no family. I turned to social media to fill the gap of human connection and found so much support and love on Tumblr. I began to follow unique, plus size women who inspired me to feel good about my body, even though at the time, I was at my lowest weight. I was craving EDM. Having given up all my momentum in the scene to focus on my health and stability didn’t seem like a justified sacrifice at first. Days turned into months and by mid winter, 2014 – I noticed something new on my body. Long, silvery streaks on my belly and hips and arms.

Stretch marks.

Stepping on the scale, I gasped at the number. 190. That’s over 60 pounds in less than 4 months. The drastic shift in my body mass encouraged my skin to adapt to my new lifestyle of sobriety and depression. My sweet body, doing all it could to sustain me and keep me going through my fluctuating habits, just trying to find balance. Initially, I was shocked. There were feelings of disappointment and disgust, and after I sat with those for a while, I decided I didn’t want to feel that way about myself. I was healthy! I was eating every day, some days more than others but so what? I was hydrated, housed, working, and reconstructing the chemicals in my brain. So instead of succumbing to the dread, I started taking selfies.

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The picture on the top left is the first picture I ever took of my belly not intentionally sucked in or angled to look like something that wasn’t mine. The latter is about 2 years later, 20 more pounds, and an abundance of confidence. I would accentuate my round belly, take photos of my stretch marks and refer to them as moon streaks on my skin, and I would share these pictures on my Tumblr. 

By the end of 2014, I had gained 7,000 followers, some of which remained in constant communication with me regarding how much I inspire them and their own journey to body positivity. It was so refreshing to feel so empowered in my own body, and to be hearing about how I’m empowering other women. I found my inspiration by following tags such as #fatspo and #fatshion, I learned about style and how to take photos that made me feel like art. This passion would then latch on to the present day. Five years after leaving the EDM scene and being a supporter solely by the music in my headphones and speakers around the house and in my car, I found my way back home.

Along the way, I picked up Yoga, certifying to be an instructor in 2018 and taking these new gifts, skills, and abilities and applying them to my self-care.

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Being plus size applied in this environment, too. Having set this foundation of self-awareness and mindfulness in my mental and physical bodies, I have never felt stronger or more aligned with who I am, who I’ve been, and where I’m going as a fat woman in the world. Noticing that I was the biggest person in the room stopped feeling like a punishment and felt more like a birthright, a knowing that I was existing in the space and that questioning whether or not I belonged there was a thing of the past. Through all these shifting parts, I continued to fantasize and daydream about making it back to a show or finally mustering up the courage and finances to make it to a festival, but never fully committing or allowing myself re-entry into that space.

The day was September 3rd, 2018. I was working the front desk at my home Yoga studio when I received a submission request from our website. A mystical crystal of stardust named Dana Day was reaching out to local yoga teachers in Columbus who would be interested in teaching at Lost Lands Music Festival. I remember my body being washed over with a cool, weightless sensation. Kind of like the chills, but sweeter. I read the email fully, and then read it once more before bringing it up to my manager. She gave me the OK to forward the email to my personal account and take it into my own hands to pursue it.

It was like a lotus unfolding, the way things worked out. I had 10 days to plan sequences and get myself ready to attend this festival, with 0 idea on what to expect or what was expected of me. I called up one of my closest friends and fellow yoga teacher, Molly, and asked if she’d like to be my plus one. She was hesitant at first, knowing she’d have to rearrange her schedule quite a lot to make it work, but serendipity wouldn’t allow for her to back away. She made the changes to her schedule and on Friday, September 14th, we drove out to Legend Valley, all but 45 minutes away from home.

That weekend was a catalyst in my life. I went and improvised my outfits with whatever I had in my closet that seemed…. rave-esque. When I got there and saw all the fashion and all the bold, vibrant style, I was captivated. Having EDM back while also sustaining my health through yoga felt like a symphony written by the most majestic artists. To feel the bass, the energy swirling and flowing around me, knowing that I contributed, if only for a moment, to the harmony of the event by teaching mindful breathing exercises and movement, put actual tears in my eyes. Something in me that had never fully subdued was ignited again.

Since then, I’ve been incredibly active on my Instagram. From sending messages to festival producers about offering yoga at their events, to being hired by Insomniac’s Ground Control to work EDC Las Vegas, I’ve been taking my life on full for the past 5 months. With the help of all the lovely humans at Curvy Rave Babes (@curvyravebabes on instagram), I’m able to pursue the representation I so desperately needed when I was younger. Now, I’m MAKING space for bodies like mine and bodies much bigger than mine, too. I’m doing the emotional work of calling out fatphobia in the rave scene alongside other powerful women, such as @sunflowerchildd in this thread:

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And this post made on the Lost Lands Fam page. Over 200 people liked and related to this “festival diet” being a great way to lose weight. Language like that perpetuates eating disorders and drugs abuse. After mentioning that in the comments, I was laughed at and told it was just a joke and to “relax”:

But I persisted with what I knew felt right and I reported it to the admins and they removed it, agreeing that it was harmful language and inappropriate. I’m calling people out, and I’m not apologizing. I’m not cracking my thunderous voice under the pressure that somebody might be uncomfortable realizing their problematic contribution to the misrepresentation of ALL bodies in this scene. It’s time to open up the pit and give the stage to black, brown, fat, disabled, and LGBTQ+ community. 

Another important venture I’ve started to pursue is messaging rave wear companies regarding plus size representation on their feed and in their merchandise. I’m learning that part of creating a platform for yourself, you have to support the companies that support you. That’s why the outfits I own so far are from companies that carry things in my size, and being PERSISTENT in them representing larger bodies on their media.

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For a deeper look on where to shop if you’re a size 14 and up and where to get these looks, check out my next blog post at Vibe With Ade where I’ll break down some of my favorite outfits and shoutout some fabulous babes and their festie fashion inspo!

Thanks so much for reading and for allowing me to take up space in your mind and life and if you’re one of the lucky humans who never had to think twice about the statistics of representation, I hope this message boosts your confidence to speak UP and against fatphobia in the EDM scene. I hope that you continue to pursue healthier language around your body and all the bodies around you. Disassociate fat as ugly and skinny as ideal. Disassociate the word healthy with how a body looks, and tap into how YOUR body feels and how you can play a role in helping all your rave mates feel their best.

That’s all from me! For more insightful, transparent, authentic material, be sure to follow me at @chubbiwubbi on Instagram.

xoxo,

Maria Alves